


Forgiveness

by AlextheAlright



Category: Blue Exorcist
Genre: Character Study, Espionage, Family Drama, Forgiveness, Friendship, Illuminati, M/M, Minor Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji, Suicidal Thoughts, True Cross Order, minor Homare toudou, minor saburota toudou, past betrayal, the illuminati are taking over, true cross is losing the war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27534565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlextheAlright/pseuds/AlextheAlright
Summary: Renzou meets up with an old friend.
Relationships: Miwa Konekomaru/Shima Renzou
Comments: 42
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

Renzou entered his old dorm room, sighing as the wind from the broken window finally stopped hitting him. He scanned the room, rolled his eyes, then sat on the bed. The weight of his body made dust clouds fill the room, but he ignored them.

"You can come out now, I know where you are."

A sound of rustling, then a person walked out of the shadows. He huffed, bringing a smile to Renzou's face as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Konekomaru was a great strategist, he was one of the best arias of their generation, but he would never survive half a day as a spy.

"What was it this time? Was my arm sticking out or did my glasses reflect some light?"

Renzou's smile widened, and he brought the lighter to his lips, relishing the slight warmth as he lit his cigarette, "Nah, you left footprints in the dust."

He could see Konekomaru scowling as he took the first deep drag. Renzou ignored it, and handed him the flash drive he had in a hidden pocket of his jacket. After all the trouble he went through to get the information, it almost felt painful to part with it, but the relief of being evidence free quickly drowned out the feeling.

Konekomaru took the flash drive, pocketing it before turning back to him, "These things will kill you, you know?"

"That's the point," he said. Renzou had lost his will to live years ago, back when true cross lost the first war, when the world was first split. Now, true cross was on the losing side, every day the Illuminati pushed more and more into their territory, and he was just one of the many, many Illuminati soldiers who had sworn the oath.

"Don't talk like that," Konekomaru said, frowning, then motioned for him to move over so he'd sit beside him, "you can still do good. You can still come back."

Something in Renzou's throat tightened. Salvation seemed so far, far away, and Konekomaru's extended peace offer seemed to mock him. He still had a long way to go to earn their forgiveness. Even if his friend forgave him, others, including himself, still didn't.

"You know I can't."

"You can," his friend replied, "I know there's still good in you. Why else would you risk your life for this information then? They can see it too! They'll forgive you, Renzou, please come back."

Konekomaru was growing desperate, he could tell by his raised voice and the way he clenched his fists around the old, worn sheets. Most of all, by the way he called him by his first name.

He wished he could come back. He wished he could see his mother again, and greet his friends. Hell, he even missed Kinzou. The words tasted sour in his mouth, but he said them anyway, "I have to fix what I've done."

"You've done enough."

"I've barely done anything."

"It doesn't matter, I know you're on our side now, and so will they."

"You have far too much faith in me."

"And you have far too little," Konekomaru replied. he was smiling, but it was a sad thing, like he expected the refusal before he even suggested it. Considering they had been meeting up for months now, Renzou would be surprised if he didn't.

With another sigh, he heaved himself up, throwing his half smoked cigarette on the floor and putting it out with the heel of his shoe. 

"I think it's time to leave, see you next month?" He said, looking at his friend over his shoulder. Konekomaru nodded, and he turned back.

"Oh, and Renzou?" Renzou turned, hand on the door knob, "Good luck."

He smiled, then opened the door and slipped out into the cold night. He was a spy, a traitor to his friends and family. He deserved what he got, stuck with the Illuminati, his every move scrutinized, always a single mistake away from the wrong end of a gun. He was only paying the price for the choices he made.

He knew he had fucked up, but maybe if he worked hard enough, he could come home.

He could still be forgiven.


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renzou hates many things about the Illuminati, but none as much as he hates Toudou

The worst thing about the Illuminati was not the demons, or the betrayal, or even Lucifer himself.

The worst thing about the Illuminati was Saburota Toudou.

He thought he would get rid of him when they shoved him in a literal furnace, but of course, nothing in Renzou’s life was ever easy, and the demon eater burst out of the furnace as healthy as he had got in, not even a tan to show for it. Something about Todou just brushed him the wrong way, despite being one of his oldest colleagues. The demon eater could smile, laugh, and joke, but Renzou could never lower his guard around him.

So, naturally, when Toudou followed him after the meeting, every alarm in Renzou’s head was triggered. 

“Shima-kun! How have you been? We haven’t talked in a while,” he said, throwing an arm around Renzou’s shoulders. The Knight barely suppressed a full body shudder. He resisted the urge to throw the arm around his shoulders off and run far, far away and forced a smile on his face.

“I’m fine, Todou-san, how have you been?”

“Good, good. Say, Shima-kun, you’re not doing anything next Saturday evening, are you?”

The smile on his face dropped, but he put it back on. Judging by the expression on Toudou’s face, he had given himself away. Every instinct in his body told him to get away. Toudou’s very existence radiated danger, hidden beneath a thin veil of friendliness. 

He forced his breathing to be normal. Toudou did not know about his monthly meetings with Konekomaru. He didn’t know about the information and about the flash drives. Renzou was fine. Toudou knew nothing.

Or did he?

Something about the demon eater was even more off-putting than normal. There was a dangerous spark of smugness hidden under his smile. 

Toudou knew.

Renzou swallowed, breathing regularly to stop the panic from growing in his chest. He couldn't afford to panic. Toudou would latch onto the slightest hint of fear.

“Nothing in particular, why?”

He waited for a response, counting his heartbeats. 

“Are you sure?”

Did he know? How did he know? No, he couldn’t know, Renzou made sure to cover his tracks. What kind of game was he playing?

“Yeah, you need something?”

For a second, Toudou beamed, but then his face settled back into the normal, too-friendly smile. “Nah, you enjoy your weekend, Shima-kun.”

With that, patted Renzou on the shoulder, and slipped off to torment someone else.

Did he know? Did he not know? Was he just messing with him or did he see something?

That week, Renzou didn’t go to the old dormitory, and instead spent the evening leaning against his balcony rail, smoking his way through a pack of cigarettes.

Did he know, or didn’t he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a short thing, but as most things tend to to, it got out of hand. constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> thanks for reading, and have fun!


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renzou signs a contract

The second most thing Renzou hated about the Illuminati was Homare. 

She was a cold woman, not a single shred of kindness or human emotion in her, except for all things Lucifer.

If Toudou unsettled him, then she froze him to his very core. She felt like the middle of winter, when no matter how many layers he wore, he could still feel the cold dig deep into his bones. 

“Shima, you stay back for a few minutes.”

Renzou swallowed, but nodded, even as all the other illuminati members left. He clenched his hands under the desk and forced the panic building in his chest down. They did not know. They did not know. They did not know. If he repeated it enough in his mind, it would be true. They did not know, and he just had to believe that they did not know, because if they did then he would be in deep trouble.

“Shima?”

Renzou was pulled out of his thoughts by Homare calling his name. She sat on the chair before him, as severe as ever, not a single hair out of place. When she looked into his eyes, he sat up straighter, and fought the urge to curl up under her gaze.

“Where have you been every second Saturday of the past few months?”

Renzou’s heart nearly stopped because they  _ knew.  _

He should’ve expected this. Nothing good ever came from Toudou seeking him out, and now he had wasted precious time he could’ve used to gather more information panicking and convincing himself nothing was wrong.

They knew.

“Huh?”

Homare scowled, shooting him another glare that would’ve frozen the blood in his veins if there was any left, “Every second Saturday of the past few months, where have you been?”

The lies he’d prepared were the only thing that saved him. They were easy on his tongue, even if the world was collapsing around him because  _ they knew. Shit, how long have they known, what was he gonna do now? _

“Saturday is my day off. I didn’t realise I had to report my private affairs to the Illuminati.”

She narrowed her eyes. Homare was never as good as playing with people as her father was, she didn't need to be. While he was shrewd, using words and facial expressions to make others fall into his traps, Homare was powerful. She had no need to hide her strength behind false friendliness and kind words, she was terrifying; she knew it, and she used it to her advantage.

Renzou numbly wondered if that made her the more dangerous enemy to have.

“So you were only attending to private matters?” she said.

“Yes.”

“Then you wouldn’t mind signing this contract, would you?”

“What?”

With that, she slid a sheet of paper in front of him. It was already filled with terms, and near the bottom, there was a seal.

He skimmed the contract, his eyes landing on the words "information reaches true cross" and "immediate termination".

At least he would have delivered the information by the time the demon killed him, he realised bitterly. He was trying to think of a loop when his eyes landed on the seal.

His face paled. “You want me to sign a contract with Naphula?”

Renzou barely managed to stay seated. They wanted him to sign a contract with Naphula, one of the Dukes of Gehenna. Yamantaka wouldn't even stand a chance against him. 

Homare raised a brow, “You should have no problem with this, if you were truly just attending to private affairs.”

He wanted to throw up. He wanted to run away, he wanted to be anywhere but here. 

Despite that, he smiled, “Of course, where do I sign?”

Homare, for once, was surprised. She blinked, then pointed to the dotted line. When he signed his name, his hands did not tremble.

“And where do I bleed?”

She pointed at the seal, and he bit his thumb and smeared a drop of blood on it. 

“Is that all?”

“You may go, Shima.”

He nodded, stood up, and walked away like nothing was wrong. He opened the door and slipped out, and when he met his colleagues outside the meeting room, he made conversation with them like normal. He didn’t allow himself to drop his mask until he was in the comfort of his own apartment. A small part of him found it hilarious. Finally, the day everyone told him about was coming.

_ You expected this,  _ he told himself,  _ there's no reason for it to bother you. Get your shit together, Shima, this just what you owe. _

Renzou had signed a contract with a duke of Gehenna.

A contract he had already decided to break that very week.

Renzou was going to die.


	4. chapter 4

By Saturday, he had, more or less, accepted it. His name was Renzou Shima, he was a traitor, and he was going to die tonight. 

_ You deserve this _ , he thought to himself whenever he had second thoughts,  _ You did this, your choices did this, you’re only fixing what you broke. Do this, and you can repay your debt. Do this, and you’ll be forgiven. _

If he repeated it enough times, maybe it would stick. Maybe his heart would stop beating so frantically, and maybe he would stop feeling like he wanted to throw up.

The walk took too little, but too long. Before he knew it, he found himself climbing up the creaky old stairs of the abandoned dormitory. He turned the knob, looked around, and couldn't contain his smile. Konekomaru was really hopeless at this spy thing.

“By the window, you’re wearing a camouflage cloak.”

Konekomaru appeared out of thin air, a frown already on his face as he lowered the hood, “How could you tell?” 

Renzou walked over to Bon’s old bed, it was still made, although much dirtier than it had originally been. The nerd had made it the morning it all went to hell, and the corners were still tucked in neatly. He threw himself on it, ignoring Konekomaru’s scolding as the air around them filled with dust clouds.

“You’re wearing a camouflage cloak, Koneko, not an invisibility cloak. You still have a shadow.”

Konekomaru sighed in defeat and sat on the bed beside him, but unlike Renzou, he made sure to dust the bed where he sat. 

“It’s no use, the whole room is filthy,” Renzou said, rolling his eyes at his friend’s attempts to keep his clothes clean. He pulled the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, shaking one out and holding it between his teeth as he fished through his pockets for the lighter. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend they were kids again, Konekomaru chastising him for his dirty magazines and Bon telling him to study as he lay on his bed, enjoying the warm sun rays and the last hours of freedom before the weekend ended.

He just hoped Konekomaru would assume the shaking of his hands was from the cold.

“You know, this really is a filthy habit.”

“What are you gonna do about it?” Renzou asked, putting on a grin he knew was obnoxious. Konekomaru was silent for a minute, then he felt something touch his thumb.

“Possibly keep nagging you till you stop.”

“You really won’t give up, will you?”

“No, never.”

Renzou sighed, opening his eyes and going cross eyed as he tried to look at the unlit cigarette between his lips. He was going to die tonight, what even was the point? Konekomaru would likely not know he died. He would think he just decided to stop relaying information, or ran away, or any of the multitude of selfish things Renzou Shima would do.

This would be the last time Konekomaru saw him, and he didn’t want to be a bad memory, even if he deserved to be one.

He looked Konekomaru straight in the eye, then picked the cigarette from between his lips, and threw it to the other side of the room.

“Happy now?”

“Ecstatic,” Konekomaru replied, smiling.

They sat in silence for a while, and Renzou wished it would last forever, but he knew it wouldn’t.

_ You deserve this _ ,  _ You did this, your choices did this, you’re only fixing what you broke. Do this, and you can repay your debt. Do this, and you’ll be forgiven. _

He kept repeating the words over and over until breathing became easier. 

He deserved this.

He did this.

His choices did this.

He’s only fixing what he broke.

If he did this, he would be free.

If he did this, his debt would be repaid.

  
  


“What happened to your hand?” 

Renzou snapped out of his thoughts, turning to his friend. Konekomaru was looking at the small cut on his hand. It was silly, really. The cut he had used to draw blood for the contract was little more than a papercut, but it had burned whenever he had to do anything with his hand, so he’d wrapped a band aid around his thumb. In hindsight, he should’ve probably removed the bandaid, it drew too much attention, more attention than the cut would bring. Konekomaru was too intelligent for this, and he cursed himself for forgetting to remove the bandaid.

“Oh, this? It’s just a papercut.”

Konekomaru frowned for a second, and Renzou held his breath, but then let it go. 

The surge of panic faded, and numbly, he realised he had a job to do, and did not just come here to meet an old friend. He pulled out the flash drive and an envelope from his pocket, and held them up so Konekomaru would take them.

He pocketed the flash drive, but stared at the envelope. “What’s this?”

Renzou took a deep breath. He had done it. He had handed off the flash drive, and with it his life. The moment anyone from true cross opens it, the demon would come for him, and he would die. At least he made sure to put enough information there to bring down a significant chunk of the Illuminati.

It still wasn't enough to fix what he’d broken. He hoped his life would be enough of a price for the rest.

“It’s a letter.”

Konekomaru looked at him like he was stupid, like he did when they were younger, when Renzou said a particularly bad pun or answered a homework question so spectacularly wrong it was actually right, and Renzou couldn’t take it anymore. It started with a giggle, then a chuckle, then he was laughing so hard his sides ached. He clutched his stomach as tears rolled down his face. He didn’t know why he was laughing, or if he should be crying instead. 

He was almost done, and here he was, losing the last bit of sanity he managed to hold onto so far.

When he finally calmed down, Konekomaru was looking at him in concern. 

“It’s a letter,” he said, catching his breath as he wiped a stray tear, “for Bon.”

Konekomaru looked at him, and for just a moment, there was a spark of hope in his eyes. “Are you coming back?”

The question never failed to tug at his heart strings before, but this time, Renzou wanted nothing more in his life than to say he would. If only he could go back in time, if only he could take it back then he would tell the younger Renzou what a huge mistake he was making. Instead, he settled for biting his lip until he tasted blood, and shook his head. “Not this time.”

The spark of hope went out, and the last of Renzou’s fear with it, replaced by a cold, empty feeling where his heart was.

He deserved this.

He deserved this, and he was going to fix it.

But, damn it, he couldn't stand his friend's disappointed expression. It made him want to give up, to come home, more than anything else.

“I’ll...I’ll come next time. I still have something to do.”

At those words, Konekomaru beamed, and the knot in Renzou’s chest eased a little.

He pulled Renzou up, and ignoring his dirty clothes, threw his arms around his shoulders. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Renzou didn’t dare breathe. If he breathed, he wasn’t sure he would be able to hold it all in. Konekomaru was still clinging to him like a lifeline, like he was the most important thing in the world, and not a traitor, not a spy, not a  _ murderer.  _

He forced his body to relax, patting his friend’s shoulder. Konekomaru buried his face in his neck, and Renzou felt something wet on his neck. Something in Renzou broke because Konekomaru was  _ crying _ .

When he pulled back, Konekomaru’s eyes were red, but he was smiling.

“When you come back, I have something to tell you,” he said, sniffing and wiping away a tear.

Whatever it was, Renzou would never hear it, because he would be dead, and hopefully, Konekomaru would never know. There was no use asking what Konekomaru wanted to tell him, it would only shake his resolve to do the right thing.

_ You deserve this,  _ he reminded himself.

He nodded, smiling to his friend. If Konekomaru found his lack of curiosity strange, he didn’t comment on it.

Konekomaru looked at him for a minute, biting his lip. Renzou knew that expression, Konekomaru was considering something, laying all the pros and cons in an organised table in his mind. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. Finally, he spoke. “I should be going now, they’re probably waiting for me.”

“They probably are,” Renzou agreed. It was almost time. He had minutes left, at most.

Konekomaru stood up, dusting his clothes off (Seriously, when would he give up? Renzou was the one dying here, Konekomaru had no reason to want to keep his clothes clean, he had all the time in the world to wash them.) He pulled out a small, golden key, and slipped it into their door. With one last look at Renzou, he opened the door and left, closing it behind him.

Renzou was alone.

His fingers wouldn’t stay still, so he pulled out another cigarette and lit it. There would be no point in going back to his apartment now, and if he was being honest, he would rather die here, where he shared his last happy memories with the ones he loved.

He wondered if Konekomaru would realise the blood was his.

When the demon came, he didn’t even find it in himself to move. He took a deep drag from his cigarette, and turned to face it.

When he met its amber eyes, it was with a smirk, “Hello, Naphula, I was expecting you.”

He wished death was painless, as quick and easy as falling asleep, but in the end, it wasn’t. It was fangs digging into his body and claws tearing his flesh apart. 

_ You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this.  _

It beat in his head with every frantic heartbeat, and Renzou wondered if he was alive because the demon wanted to have some fun, or because this was another part of his universe given punishment.

_ You deserve this. Die like he died. Suffer like he suffered, you deserve this. _

The last thing he saw before the world went dark was the reflection of the moon in the demon’s eyes. Strangely enough, he thought it looked blue.


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the reunion (or half of it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that if you kill the writer there would be no more updates

Renzou thought he was dead.

He better be dead. The Illuminati had no mercy for traitors.

Did dead people feel pain? Because he felt pain. It was a dull, achy thing, and Renzou recognised the fuzzy head and the heaviness as effects of painkillers.

He forced his eyes open, and looked around. There was someone sitting on the chair. Why would they send someone to stay with him? Was she supposed to make sure he didn’t run away? It seemed pretty pointless, he could barely keep his eyes open, let alone attempt an escape.

Renzou tried to find anything about her from the way she looked, but he only ended up confusing himself. She was...pregnant? Since when did the Illuminati employ pregnant women? Now that he thought of it, he always wondered if the female members ever took maternity leave. He knew some of them were married, and he knew one with a kid. Maybe she had the kid before she joined the Illuminati. For some reason, the organisation didn’t seem like one that allowed its members to take maternity leave.

She was engrossed in her phone, but she soon noticed him looking at her. She blinked, then dropped her phone. “Renzou, you’re awake!”

Why was she calling him Renzou? Something felt very, very weird. He was missing something, he didn't know what it was, but he knew it was important.

Immediately, she stood up, faster than any pregnant woman should be able to. . One second she was on the chair, and the next she was kissing his forehead and cheeks, making his face wet with her tears.

Renzou was so, very confused.

"Jun, that's enough, he needs to rest." 

Jun. His sister. The woman was his sister. Did his sister join the Illuminati?

She straightened up, a smile on her tear stricken face. Though she moved back to her seat, she didn't let go of his hand. 

Another man came behind her, laying a hand on his knee. The name Juuzo floated to the front of his mind. Something told him this should be important

"Welcome back, little brother."

Juuzo smiled, and Renzou's eyelids were finally too heavy to keep awake, so he closed them.

The next time he woke up, his mind was a little clearer. The room he was in also seemed less serious than the first one. The window was open, and there were two couches, and there were people talking. 

Renzou groaned. Why were they talking? Couldn't they be quieter? He was trying to sleep. It was too bright in the room, but thankfully someone was standing in front of his bed, blocking most of the sunlight, even if there was an annoying light flashing in his eyes.

"If you want to take him, you'll have to go through me." 

All he could see of the person was their blond hair. He blinked, realising that the flashing light was from something reflecting the sunlight. Was that a K'rik? 

"We understand that he's your brother, but he's also a member of the Illuminati and he's dangerous."

"I don't care, he could be Lucifer himself and you won't get a single step closer."

"Shima-san, please, you're a member of the order too. You know our orders."

"I said no."

Renzou looked at the person standing before his bed. He was fairly certain it was Kinzou, but before he could ask what was going on, he fell asleep. Again.

When he opened his eyes again, he was in his room. 

Renzou hasn't been in his room for the past 5 years. He tried to sit up, but immediately regretted it as pain flared across his chest. He lied back down with a hiss of pain, trying to regain control of his breath. 

Resigning himself to staring at the ceiling until someone showed up, he began to consider his current situation.

He wasn't dead. 

He was alive. He had somehow fucked up the one thing nobody had ever fucked up. He wanted to scream and cry, but a traitorous part of him was relieved. 

_ You should be ashamed of yourself. You deserved it. Why do you get to live when he died? _

His vision was suddenly blurry, and there were tears running down his face. He didn't know if they were happy tears or sad ones. He was too tired to care. 

The door slid open, and someone walked in. He didn't bother turning. He didn't know if he could face them, after what he did.

_ He deserved this, and he couldn't even do it right. _

The person left him little choice in the matter. 

Her hands were on his cheeks, as warm and calloused as he remembered them. She still smelled like jasmine, the smell he came to think of as home. Her hair now had much more gray than it had when he left, and she seemed to have aged several decades since he last saw her. 

"Renzou, my baby, my stupid, stupid baby."

She leaned forwards to kiss his forehead, and her hands were careful, gentle, but firm, like she was afraid he would disappear into thin air. He didn't know why she was so gentle with him, why she didn't yell, or slap him, or tell him to get out of her house, but he didn't care. 

Her breath hitched, and suddenly she, too, was crying, tears running down her face as she pulled him to her chest, careful not to jostle his wounds.

"Renzou, don't do this to me, you stupid boy, do you have any idea how I felt? Your father was- he was gone and you… you were with them, and I didn't know if you were okay. You almost  _ died,  _ you stupid boy. Your heart stopped. Baby...baby, don't leave again, okay?"

He couldn't hold it in any longer. The last of his self restraint evaporated, and he was sobbing, clutching his mother with weak arms like he was a child who had a nightmare again. He knew she had the right to be mad, to want him dead. To tell the truth, he still didn't know if this was a dream, but if it was, he would make the most of it.

"Ma...I'm sorry, I'm s-so sorry, ma. I didn't m-mean to, I swear, I...I didn't. Ma, I'm sorry, please. I'm so sorry."

She shushed him, just like she did when he was little, when he came to her with a scraped knee or a bruise. She held him even as he trembled and cried, even as he begged for forgiveness. 

There, warm and safe in her arms, he finally allowed himself to be vulnerable, and he didn't resist when he felt exhaustion overtake him.


	6. Chapter 6

“Jun told me you weren’t eating.”

Renzou frowned. He didn’t feel like eating. Or talking. Or doing anything at all. He already felt guilty enough, his sister was taking time away from her family and job to take care of him, Juuzo had practically moved back in with Mamushi and their kid in tow, and Kinzou had risked his rank for him. Even his mother, the person he thought would never forgive him, was not only letting him stay, but also paying his hospital bills without complaint. 

They were doing this for him, after all he’d done. No matter what he did, all he would ever do was take, and they would keep having to fix his messes.

“Shima,” Konekomaru called again, forcing Renzou out of his thoughts, “eat.”

When Renzou didn’t respond, he picked up the spoon and held it to his mouth. “Open up.”

Renzou frowned, eyeing the spoon. If there was anything he hated more than everyone treating him better than he deserved, it was the way they treated him like a child. It had already been three weeks since he left the hospital. He could now sit up on his own, and even eat some things. He didn’t need to be treated like he was made of glass.

If it were up to him, Renzou would have already rented a studio apartment somewhere and moved out so he could stop being a burden. 

He opened his mouth to protest, but Konekomaru promptly shoved the spoon in.

“I’m not a kid,” he said, wiping his mouth and glaring at his friend.

“Then stop acting like one.”

Renzou’s frown deepened. “I’m not.”

Konekomaru’s fingers on the spoon turned white from how hard he was gripping it, and he clenched his jaw. Renzou hadn’t seen him this mad in years. “Eat your food, Shima.”

Irritation flared inside him. It was childish, he knew it was, but that didn’t stop him from being annoyed. He was sick of the way everyone was treating him, he wanted them to yell, to be angry, to ask him how dare he show his face after betraying them all. He wanted them to hate him, because at least he would understand why they would.

Crossing his arms, he tried his best to straighten his back. “No.”

_ Pathetic, can’t even sit up properly, and you expect to fix everything? _

Konekomaru’s patience was running out. He could tell it was getting harder to keep his annoyance off his face. “Don’t be childish and eat your food.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Renzou countered, meeting his friend’s eyes.

“What does it matter if I tell you or not? Not like you’ll do it.”

“It’s none of your business what I do.”

“None of my business?” Konekomaru said, finally snapping. A bitter part of Renzou was glad he finally let himself go.

_ You deserve this. _

“Was it none of my business how you almost  _ died _ ? Or how Rin barely made it in time to stop the fucking demon from eating your heart? If I hadn’t noticed that you were acting strange and the cut on your finger you’d be  _ dead,  _ Renzou, do you even understand that? Tell me, was it also none of my business when I saw you, bleeding with your fucking chest torn open? It must have been, because you didn’t tell me you’d signed a contract with a duke of Gehenna.”

Renzou’s face fell. So that’s why he didn’t die. He thought it was a miraculous stroke of luck, the demon had forgotten to finish him off, or maybe there was a loophole he didn’t see.

_ Even when you die, you create problems they have to fix. _

He swallowed, and looked away from his friend. He couldn’t imagine it would’ve been fun to discover. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that, but I’ve made my choices.”

At this, Konekomaru stood up, sending the tray with the bowl flying, “What choices? You think your life is something you can trade away just like that? What about your family? Haven’t they lost enough to the Illuminati? How could you be so selfish?”   
  


“I was trying to fix it!” Renzou replied. His hands were now trembling, and if he could, he would’ve gotten up to match Konekomaru’s height, “I was trying to make things right, but I couldn’t even do that, I’m sorry.”

Hot tears streamed down his face, as his hands clutched the blanket on his lap and suddenly, he couldn’t breathe.

He had almost died, but he hadn’t. He had almost  _ died,  _ but he was back home, and nobody wanted him to leave, and he was  _ alive. _ __   
  


“I...I murdered him, Koneko, don’t you understand that? I murdered him and I couldn’t even fix it. I don’t...I don’t deserve to be this happy. I don’t deserve their forgiveness.”

“Renzou, you didn’t...you didn’t murder him.”

He laughed bitterly, “I did, I pulled the trigger, didn’t I? I shot him, and he died. How is that not murdering him?”

Even now, the words rang in his mind.

_ Choose, Shima. _

He could never forget it. An ultimatum. The cold gun in his hands and Yaozo’s determined expression. He couldn’t forget the lingering smell of gunpowder, or the blood that splattered everywhere and never washed out, no matter how many times he scrubbed his hands raw. 

He couldn’t forget the day he killed his father.

Suddenly, Homare was behind him, the muzzle of her gun digging into his back, right above his beating heart.

_ Choose, Shima, either you or him. _

His father’s eyes, always stern, now unwaveringly determined.

_ Pull the trigger, Renzou. _

He can smell her perfume now, as severe and sharp as everything else about her, and the gun digs into his back. 

_ Do you want to be killed or do you want to be a killer? Choose, Shima, prove them right, be the traitor you know you are. _

His lungs refuse to work, and the floor sways under him, but he stays on his feet. Does he pull the trigger? Yaozo was by no means a perfect father, but does he deserve to die? What makes Renzou’s life more valuable than his? He never considered himself to be a hero, self sacrifice was stupid, but at the same time, Yaozo was his father. 

_ Choose, Shima. _

In the end, the trigger is easy to pull, and the ringing in his ears drowns everything else.


	7. Chapter 7

The door opened with a crash, and Renzou’s heart stopped in his chest. 

“What the shit is this?”

Renzou didn’t look up from his lap, knowing what he’d see.

“Answer me, Shima, what is this?”

He saw Konekomaru out of the corner of his eye, trying to stop Bon from coming closer.

“Bon, no-”

Suddenly, he was on the ground, the floorboards digging into his knees as Bon pulled him by the collar, holding a letter so close to his face he barely recognised it as the one he wrote.

_ You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this. _

Then why did it feel so bad?

Bon let him go, pulling back just enough. Renzou shut his eyes, bracing himself for the punch that would no doubt come. He could already feel the bruise on his face. 

Oh, well, at least someone was giving him the reaction he expected. 

Maybe if Bon told them, his family would finally kick him out, like he deserved. It was nice while it lasted.

“You fucking moron.”

He heard the sound of paper being ripped, and he closed his eyes. 

_ You deserve this. _

The pain never came. Instead, he was suddenly engulfed by two arms.

“You utterly stupid moron. How could you? You leave for five years,  _ five _ , and when I hear from you, it’s this- this stupid letter? Who gave you the right, asshole? Who gave you the right to take my best friend away? Who gave you the right to fucking... throw your life away like that?”

Renzou’s breathe caught in his throat, because Bon, angry, righteous Bon, the person he thought would never forgive him, was crying.

He was crying because Renzou was back.

“Idiot,” he said, finally pulling back, “You think I care about- about whatever you said? You think I’d be happy if you’d gone and  _ died _ ? I don’t care about this crap. And you thought some stupid information would fix this? I don’t care about True Cross. I don’t care about the Illuminati, you moron.”

“But I-”

He pulled away, wiping the tears down his face with one hand while he still had the other clenched around Renzou’s collar. “No, shut up, You little shit, don’t ever pull something like this again, you hear me? And you had the nerve to give me a letter! You want me to apologize to your family? Do it yourself, you coward!”

Renzou felt his own eyes get wet. “Bon I’m- I’m sorry,”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” he growled, his fist suddenly tightening around Renzou’s collar, “don’t you fucking dare apologize, it wasn’t your fault, you hear me? And if I ever hear you apologizing I will beat your ass.”

“But-”

“Shut up,”

“I’m-” Renzou barely managed to cut himself off, meeting Bon’s angry, red rimmed eyes.

“That’s what I thought,” He said, “Now get up, this can’t be good for your injuries.”

He nodded numbly, and tried to get up. When his legs protested too much, Bon rolled his eyes and lifted him, putting him back on the bed.

“And don’t let me hear this crap they’ve been telling me about you not taking care of your health, got it?” 

He nodded again.

“Good,” Bon replied.

He smiled, “Welcome back, Renzou.”

With that, he left, shutting the door behind him. 

And just like that, the tenseness was back. Konekomaru bent down, picking up the blanket Renzou had on his lap when he was pulled out of bed.

“Listen,” Konekomaru started, and Renzou was already feeling nauseous, “we need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he replied mechanically.

He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about how he nearly died, or the fact that he was fine with it, or the drowning feeling he got every time someone mentioned Yaozo. He was fine, and if he repeated the words enough they would come true.

“There is,” Konekomaru said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “You can’t avoid it forever, Renzou.”

“Avoid what?” He forced a smile onto his face. He wasn’t a spy for nothing. “I’m fine, really.”

Konekomaru was not impressed. “You call this fine?”

Renzou tensed. Here we go again. 

“You had a panic attack, Renzou, how is that fine?”

He didn’t have a panic attack. He was fine. He was okay. He was normal. 

_ Get your shit together, Shima. _

He deserved this, no need to bother others with his problems.

“I’m fine,” he repeated, clenching his hands around the blanket. 

_ He was fine, he was fine, he was fine. _

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am,” 

He was, he just had to repeat it enough

“Renzou,”

He was fine.

His nails were digging into his palms now. His chest was too heavy to move, and he was fine.

“Renzou! Breathe!”

_ He was fine, he was fine _ , he just had to say it enough,  _ he was fine, fine, fine. _

“Renzou!”

There was a hand on his neck, who’s hand was it? 

“Renzou breathe, come on,”

_ He was fine, he was fine. _

He was not fine.

There was something wet on his face, and he realized he was crying, though he didn’t know when. He forced his lungs to take in air. 

“That’s it, yes, come on, breathe,”

His hand was on Konekomaru’s chest, it was clutching his shirt. He tried to match the deep inhales his friend was making. In, out. In, out. 

Brown eyes were looking at him in concern, and he was starting to feel his hands again.

“Renzou are you…” he didn’t continue. Renzou wanted to say he was fine, but even he knew how stupid that sounded.

“Ko..neko”

He was not fine. He was fucked up, on the inside and now on the outside to match. He was broken, and he didn’t know how he could fix it.

“Koneko I’m...I’m sorry, I-”

Konekomaru shushed him, pulling him into his chest like he did in the dorm. He ran his fingers through his hair and Renzou buried his face in his chest, counting his friend’s heartbeats.

“I’m not fine, Koneko,” He started. Konekomaru didn’t interrupt him, but he held him closer, as if he could stop him from breaking apart, but Renzou was already shattered, and ugly, and a million other things he didn’t admit until now.

“I was...I was scared, so damn scared, and I know I fucked up, I know, but how can you forgive me? How can- how can you take me back so easily? How? I tried to fix it, I promise, I promise I tried to fix it, Koneko, you have to believe me, you have to. But then I didn’t die, and then I was home, and I was so  _ scared  _ and I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I’m sorry I left, I’m sorry I almost died, I’m sorry I’m-”

He was blabbering now, the words came out all at once, and he had no control over them. Konekomaru just held him closer, and listened. He talked and talked and talked until his throat was raw and his limbs were heavy. He talked until he ran out of words, and when he fell silent, Konekomaru continued to hold him.

“Koneko?” Renzou finally asked when he could breathe without having his hand on his friend’s chest.

He hummed in response, finally releasing him. Renzou’s chest felt sore, but in a good way, like the feeling after a long, grueling workout.

“What were you gonna tell me?”

It didn’t seem important then. He was going to die, what did he care what Konekomaru was going to tell him? But now that he had all the time in the world, he wanted to know. 

“Oh,” Konekomaru said, turning to stare at the wall opposite him, “Never mind that.”

Now Renzou had to know. He felt a familiar feeling, something he hadn’t felt in a while, but still something he recognised. Curiosity, genuine curiosity, not because the information was important, not because he had to relay it to anyone, but because he wanted to know, for the sake of knowing.

Renzou had to find out what Konekomaru was going to tell him.

“But you said you’d tell me,” He said, “What made you change your mind?”

Konekomaru refused to meet his gaze, and if anything, this made Renzou itch to know.

“It’s nothing, Renzou, drop it,” he said.

“You keep doing that.” 

“Huh?” Konekomaru finally met his gaze.

“You keep calling me Renzou, not Shima.”

Konekomaru blinked, and pressed his lips together. He looked at Renzou’s hand on his chest, as if just realising it was there, and suddenly, Konekomaru’s lips were on his.

Renzou was by no means an inexperienced kisser, anyone who knew him knew that. He had kissed many people, both men and women, throughout the years, but none of them felt like this. Other kisses were hungry, quick and intense. Some of them were soft but none of them were ever...  _ like this _ …

Kissing Konekomaru was like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm. It was a cold drink on a hot day, and the moment you broke through the water after holding your breath. It was a strange feeling, so new, yet so familiar, like it was there all along, all he needed to do was notice it.

Kissing Konekomaru felt like coming home.

Before he would’ve liked, Konekomaru pulled away, a horrified expression on his face.

“Renzou, I am so, so sorr-”

Renzou didn’t let him continue. He crashed their lips back together, this time appreciating it without the shock numbing his lips. He kissed him like his life depended on it, and, in a way, it did. He tried to tell him a million words without speaking.

_ I love you, I’m sorry, I’ll stay, don’t go, forgive me. _

When they pulled away from each other, Renzou had the biggest smile on his face. 

“Does that explain it?” Konekomaru asked, his hands still on Renzou’s face.

He stared at his friend dumbly. Then, it clicked.

“You- I- did we just-”

Konekomaru sighed, “Yes, Renzou, we kissed.”

He took a deep breath, bracing himself for something, “Renzou, I love you.”

Renzou’s eyes widened as he realized what he just heard. He had kissed Konekomaru, and Konekomaru had told him he loved him. He had kissed his friend, and he didn’t hate it. In fact, he quite liked it. He loved it, and he loved Konekomaru, and Konekomaru loved him.

It felt right to think that. 

The sky was blue, one plus one was two, and Renzou loved Konekomaru.

“I-I love you too,” he said, never one to hold back words. 

The word beat in his chest with his heartbeat. I love you. I love you. I love you.

He loved him, and for a second, everything in the world was right.

The last of the apprehension on Konekomaru’s face finally faded, and he broke out into a huge grin. He lunged forward, pulling Renzou into his arms, laughing. 

The two of them giggled like children, holding onto each other. 

_ You don’t deserve this. _

For the first time, Renzou told the voice in his head to shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!  
> Thanks to all who stuck around this long, and thanks to Tonguetiedraven and Sidewaysclarinet for keeping me excited, and for Rynoa for giving me the prompt and all the amazing comments and encouragement.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Person A: “....You have far too much faith in me.”  
> Person B: “And you have far too little.” from Rynoa.


End file.
